This last weekend I had the opportunity to take some time out for a spiritual retreat. I was able to go with one of my dearest and closest friends to a retreat house in Fremont, Ohio, Our Lady of the Pines, run by the Sisters of Mercy. It was a fantastic experience- there is nothing like a place that has been prayed in, and that is one of those places. It reminded me a lot of the place in Morristown New Jersey where I spent thirty days in silence last summer.
Places that have been “prayed in,” are obvious. It is sort of like a hotel room that has been smoked in- it is in the walls and in the sheets and the bedding. It is obvious when you first walk into the room that someone has been there who was smoking- in an analogous manner, the feeling that a place has been prayed in is just as obvious- it is in the walls and in the bedding. It soaks into the carpet, and is reflected in the people who live and work there- it is obvious when you walk in, as you smell not the acrid smell of cigarette smoke, but the fragrence of holiness.
I spent the weekend in silence- except for the part where I visited my spiritual director in Toledo- the sun was out and bright (a nice change from the cloud belt of Columbus, Ohio), but there was also snow on the ground. It made things even brighter! on the last day I decided to go for a walk and to shoot some pictures of the grounds and the surroudning area. (I actually don’t have any pictures uploaded yet, they are still in my camera- and may be for another 3 or 4 years… you know how it goes!) I walked through the cemetary where the sisters were buried from the decades past, and saw an even bigger cemetary just across the street. So I mosied over there- I like cemetaries for some reason- I grew up near a giant one in Lima, so I guess I have never felt creepy there or anything like that. Cemetaries tell a lot about the people who lived near them- whole families buried together- some people lived a long time, while others only a few days. A gravestone is sort of like the tip of the iceburg- there is so much more about a person underneath that their marker just can’t tell.
One of the striking things about the grave markers though, was the fact that every single last one tells us about a relationship that the person it commemorates had- large or small they all had names on them. Those names denoted a relationship with people of similar names. As I mentioned above, there were whole families- sons, daughters, mothers and fathers- all buried together.
Some of the grave stones told of a married couple- the day they were married, the kids they had, when they were born and when they died. Some were just little kids who only lived for a few days, but were never forgotten- even 50 years after her death at the age of 4 days, one person’s gravestone read beloved daughter. There were fresh flowers there.
My favorite gravestone didn’t have a picture of a family member, or even a picture of Jesus or Mary (it was a Catholic cemetary), but a tow truck- a tow truck with the name Fischer Towing was carved into the side of a gravestone! Must have been his truck.
Certainly gets one to think doesn’t it? I mean, as another friend of mine often says, none of us are getting out of here alive. Where is the meaning in our lives? Where do we go when we die? No matter how strong one’s faith is, that second question is always unknown. The first though, I think can be answered.
A few months back I read (and wrote a blog on) Viktor Frankle’s book on man’s search for meaning, entitled “Man’s Search for Meaning.” He talked about how he survived the death camps at Auschwitz because he had a meaning and purpose. Those who didn’t survive, often died because they lost a reason to live. We all need that or we die- we die in our daily actions, in our relationships, and in ourselves without meaning. We are not meant to drift- even the ancient philosophers knew that we had a “final cause,” that is, something we are directed towards.
How do we find meaning then? I suspect that is something that we all struggle with- it is the issue of trying to figure out our identity in this life- to give our lives meaning.
Frankle’s solution was an interesting one- he said that we have to imagine ourselves on our deathbed, looking back at our lives. What do we want to see there? What would we see if that day was tomorrow? I do not believe that this exercise is intended to be moribund, rather it is a means to focus ourselves and the direction we are supposed to in life, and the meaning we attach to our identity.
I have a sneaking suspicion that those grave stones I saw last week were a key to the answer. With the exception of the tow truck guy, nobody had their occupation on their gravestone. But everybody had some reference, even if just a name, to a relationship. Be it to God, or their spouse, or children or parents invariably what defined people were their relationships. That is what gives us identity and meaning- or that is what should.
Even the nuns who were buried there had an R.S.M. after each of their names, denoting a relationship with their order, and the other sisters in it.
My spiritual director told me the story of his uncle who was very rich. He spent his whole life amassing a great deal of wealth- he never married because he was too busy making money. He was a very successful man- when he was in his 60’s he had a stroke and was confined to a wheelchair in a (probably very nice) nursing home. My director told me that until the day he died he only said one phrase over and over- “what a rip-off.”
So I guess I would challenge you with the same exercise as Victor Frankle- if you were on your deathbed looking back on life, what would you see? What would you want to see? What are the relationships in our lives that give us meaning, and how are they going? The answer to the second question is also the answer to our search for identity, and the search for meaning in our lives.
Only this way will life never become a rip-off.
“Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in a love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.”
Pedro Arrupe, S.J.
Comment
Bonnie Ryan March 2nd, 2008 10:53 pm
C.S Lewis said, ” There are two kinds of people: those who say to God ‘thy will be done’ and those to whom God says “all right then have it your way’ ” Tragically, many people will have to endure an eternity without God because they chose to live without him here on earth. when you fully comprehend that there is more to life than the here and now, and you realize that life is just a preparation for etermity, you begin to live life differently. Suddenly many activities, goals, and even problems that seemed so import!ant will appear trivial, petty and unworthy of your attention. The closer you live to God, the smaller everything else appears. ” {God’s} plans endure forever, his purposes last eternally” When anything in creation fulfills its purpose, it brings glory to God. This life is preparation for the next.
- The Purpose Driven life